Sympathy? No thanks! But why?

Sympathy is like a cheep wine compared to the exquisite taste of Empathy, the champagne of emotions, the elixir of connection.

Sympathy doesn’t inspire a true sense of connection because it’s a gentle form of pity. Pity disconnects because we don’t feel WITH them. Pity is fleeting, short-lived and we move on as it it was never experienced.

When people hurt, are wounded, have been betrayed, pity is actually a very sorry, insulting and degrading thing to have and share. There are nonetheless, “unhealthy” souls who thrive on pity. But it’s not pity they want. It’s simple a strategy they learned that got them attention. That shallow, fake connection is better than nothing. When we starve, we will gladly eat anything. It is not nutritional for the soul.

We all want and crave empathy in our time of need but the odds of getting it our very slim. So…

We hide or mask our failures and tragedy on social media. Why?

Because we know we will not get any empathy. We might get a few doses of sympathy disguised as likes are broken heart emojis.

Sympathy Isn’t about getting into the trenches with somebody… It’s observing the war from the safety of a strategic tactical center in the other side of the world. Observing collateral damage doesn’t impact the senses. Worse yet your tragedy inspires pity. Pity might get you a dollar. What you really need is a warm blanket a hot meal And loving arms wrapped around your shoulder.

To be human is to feel what other humans feel. We have become non-human.

In 1980 Giacomo Rizzolatti discovered mirror neurons. It’s a part of our DNA to relate. But the world no longer related to anybody, too preoccupied with the self.

Vital Germaine,

What are we really looking for as humans?

What are we really looking for as humans?

Maslo’s hierarchy of needs

A life void of deep, meaningful connection is empty and lonely. Authentic and genuine connection is harder and harder to find, we focus on soothing the lack of connection with shiny, social media-inspired rewards; likes, follows, admirers, being trendy, having status, addictions etc.

Through social media awareness or woke-ism, as to what others are doing, thinking, feeling, experiencing and subscribing too etc, we either find relatability (our tribe) or we face division. We do not find connection.

Connection can happen organically as two people or more meet randomly or by design. We can invite and incite connection. That means being authentic and showing the world who you are… therefore attracting those who are genuinely like-minded. But that is scary! Attraction is only the invitation to the dance. Now it’s time to actually dance and connect. Let your hair down (insecurities and fear), lose the inhibitions and shake that ass in the way you really want to. It’s unique to you.

The Six C’s of Connection

1. Curiosity - a strong desire to know or learn something, in particular, regarding who a person is. What’s their story?

2. Commonality - focusing on our similarities not our differences brings us together.

3. Caring - making people feel safe, valued and honored… EMPATHY… enables us to transcend to a higher level of consciousness driven my awareness and love.

4. Collaboration - the act of compromising for the bigger picture. This doest not mean sacrificing or violating your core values. It’s finding the areas where we can work together or thinking along mutually beneficial avenues.

5. Character - the mental or moral qualities distinctive to an individual… in showing our true character, other see who we are. If we show up authentically, people can make an informed decision as to wether or not we are a good fit. Sadly, the world is filled with greedy, selfish individuals wearing masks for pure personal gain. It’s hard to connect with somebody who is playing a game of one-sided gain.

6. Communication - there are no meaningful relationships without effective communication. This is potentially the number one reason why connections break down. Learn more.

If you have found relationships that are deep and meaningful, congratulations… stay calm and carry on nurturing them. If you haven’t, it means something needs to change. Either it’s you or your circle.

Let’s connect, even if superficially to begin with.

Vital Germaine

The 7 Ways People Judge Us

Here’s how all people will initially judge you and how you will judge people.

We all make judgment calls when meeting people for the first time. In fact, we decide whether we like somebody within the first seven seconds of meeting them. Sometimes it’s a very intentional decision. Other times it’s on a subconscious level. Whether subconscious or by design, it’s determined by values and biases/programming. They can be cultural, economic, religious etc.

In a utopian world we would perhaps be judged by our character alone (thank you MLK), with our actions rather than words defining who we are. However, learning the content of a person’s character takes time. Many hide behind misleading words and deeds, in particular the narcissists who are experts in misdirection and deceit.

HERE ARE THE 7 WAYS PEOPLE JUDGE US

1. Appearance (clothes, tattoos etc):

   1. I am treated and perceived very differently depending on if I am wearing a suit and tie or a kilt. Both version are the same me. Are you aware of how differently your are perceived and treated based on your clothing? Hair color? Skin color?

      • As a black man I am often quickly judged by that standard.

        • Case in point: I live in the suburbs in a gated community. One day while walking my dog, somebody from the community complimented me on my two dogs. When I told then I lived around the corner they responded with, “Yes I see you all the time. I thought you were a dog walker.” - hmmm? Why would they assume that? I think we know why. Stereotyping or racial profiling is a bitch!

2. Body Language: According to psychologist, Amber Merhabian, body language makes up for 58% percent of communication. The way we walk, our posture… are we slouching, leaning, hunching etc. Are your arms crossed? If you are having a convo with somebody at an event, let’s say, pay attention to where their feet are pointing. If their feet are pointing away from you, or towards the door, it highly likely means they are not interested, or want to leave. Their are endless body language cues to better understand a person and where they are emotionally or mentally. What your body says is more powerful than words. Words only make up for 7% of communication.

3. Facial Experssions: The funny thing about our facial expressions is that half the time we are unaware of what our face is doing. Observe somebody having an argument who is angry. Their facial expressions will give it away; frowning, puckered lips etc. In stark contrast, if they are having a happy and loving conversation, their facial expressions will reveal that emotions and mindset.

4. Tone of voice: Do you talk to a baby or dog the same way you would address a VIP or superior? No. Our tone of voice changes based on how we view that person and the depth of the relationship. Also, whether you end your sentence with an upward or downward inflection will determine how convincing or interesting you are. Cliche example, “typical” Canadiens will end on an upward inflection which demonstrates their polite and apologetic culture. Americans, who stereotypically viewed as bold and direct, if not brash, do not apologize. They are firm, ending on a downward inflection. Begin to observe the naunces in people’s tone of voice. You’l be blown away as to how much is communicated with tone of voice. According to Albert Merhabian, non-verbal communication (tone of voice/facial expressions) make up for 38% of communication.

5. Attitude/Behavior: Attitude is how you react or respond to everything and anything that happens to you or around you. It’s a deep reflection of your character. People will quickly judge you on how they perceive your attitude to be. For the most part, we get an immediate sense of persons attitude based on the previous four bullet points. Over time, the evaluation goes deeper and we observe choices and patterns. A person’s patterns are the best way to understand who they are and who they are not.

6. Energy: According to Nikolas Tesla, “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.” People will subconsciously pick up on your energy or vibes before you’ve said a word. If your energy is negative, they will potentially avoid or dislike you. Our minds, body and in particular our hearts, emit an electromagnetic field. Other humans pick up on this field. In part because we are all connected and able to tap into the frequency of others. One of the biggest communication give aways are your emotions. Low vibrating energy is negative. Love resonates at a frequency of 852 hz. Joy vibrates at 700 hz. Anger or hate vibrate very as low as 100 hz. Disease vibrates at around 58 hz with colds and flu vibrating at around 57 khz. An average healthy body resonates at around 70 khz. You can elevate this frequency through meditation. Go deeper and you enter the Law of Attraction realm. Is it true?

   We are often attracted to people who vibrate at high frequencies, or those that our simila

7. Intentions: In some ways, #7 is a continuation of #6 as your intentions emit a certain frequency/energy. We often feel if somebody’s intentions are potentially harmful to us. What was the desired outcome by said person based on the action or even non-action?

   According to US Criminal Law, proof of criminal intent (mens rea) is one of two factors required to convict. The other being caught in the act due to sufficient evidence. The better you know a person and the more you have observed and understood their patterns of behavior, the more equipped you will be do understand or even predict their choices, because their intentions will be consistent with their previous behaviors and choices… but good luck proving it, even if your intuition is screaming the truth.

Understanding how you are communicating and what others are saying, seeing and feeling will exponentially improve all your relationships: at home and at work. This awareness can be leveraged for good or bad. That choice is yours.

Having said, that, obey your intuition when a person’s vibes aren’t jiving with you. This usually means there is a profound reason that isn’t yet evident to walk away. Walking away or setting boundaries is not the same as condemning or viewing somebody as lesser than based on…

To learn more take my communication course . It will help you as an individual (parent, lover and friend), as a leader, and even in sales / customer service.

Vital Germaine

President of ENGAGE Teams 360

Beyond Traditional Empathy

Common consensus and understanding of empathy suggests it’s between two sentient beings or humans. However, it can, should, and does go much further than that. It is a universal love language that transcends a heart beat. The collective that is nature, does not have a heartbeat perse, but it does have a consciousness. Did you know that trees, have a sense of community, sharing information amongst themselves. Such information as weather conditions like droughts are sent to each other as distress signals. Scientists refer to this as mycorrhizal networks.

Nature is a living, breathing organism that connects to all forms of consciousness and life. Our human experience would be much richer if we embraced, let alone understood and honored this phenomenon.

Understanding the relationship between humans and nature (the universe, god, allah…) means sharing an emotional experience with the natural world and everything that it encompasses… and not limited to this conceivable dimension. Modern research and scientists are exploring this concept. It’s called, Dispositional Empathy with Nature (DEN).

The thing is, this concept is not new but rather ancient. What we call “primitive” peoples or “ancient tribal wisdom” have been aware to his for millennia. Nature is honored like a god. It’s about understanding the full circle of life in which everything is intertwined and connected. We hunt a living animal for food, not for pleasure but for necessacity/survival. That animal is honored in its sacred sacrifice, meaning we understand and respect what it has contributed to the circle of life and the suffering it experienced as a result.

BENEFITS:

Understanding and implementing empathy for nature will help us resolve many of the worlds current problems. It would minimize deforestation, abuse of animals in the meat industry, pollution of our seas and waterways, extinction of animal species, lower greenhouse gasses… basically all human-made corrosive behaviors based on greed. The negative side of capitalism is that it opens the door to greed and exploitation of resources based on short-term-thinking and immediate financial gains.

It is time for humans to embrace and implement empathy towards nature? Absolutely, yes! We may not survive without it. If we love our planet and our children’s future, we must substantially shift our thinking, behaviors and our conceptualization of the vast expanse that lives beyond a heartbeat and a traditional mind. Furthermore, empathy is not a disposition, it is a quality that can and should be trained and developed. It begins with awareness. You’re welcome.

I am optimistic we can do better, we will REACH HIGHER.

Learn more about empathy in my book, PINK Is the Color of Empathy.

Vital Germaine

How to make fear your friend

It has been said that we either run away from pain or we run towards pleasure. It’s called the “Pain, pleasure principal.” by Sigmund Freud.

Running toward pleasure is easier, though running away from pain is arguably a stronger motivator. Fear can, however, paralyze. And that hurts. We are afraid of pain. It brings worry and stress. Meanwhile, it inspires courage and drives action… change!

Many memes and acronyms claim or suggest that fear is not real. One popular one is: False Evidence Appearing Real. Ignore this.

Fear is very real and not to be blindly ignored. It is the primordial warning mechanism that all living beings and organisms instinctually and inherently possess. It keeps them alive because it lets them know that something is dangerous. Courage is not inclusive of recklessness. The question is, how do you make fear your friend as a "motivator"? It’s a conscious mindset choice. Read more about how to open your mind in my book, FLYING BEYOND THE NET.

Acknowledge your fears. This doesn’t make you weak. It makes you emotionally intelligent.

Fear is one of the most basic human emotions, and emotions are what compel us to do things. Fear can drive a mother to find superhuman strength to lift a car that is crushing her baby. Empower yourself by connecting with your emotions. Leverage them. They will help you achieve your goals.

We tend to avoid fear because it’s not a fun feeling; other than when riding a “scream your lungs out” adventure ride. Other than that, we kid ourselves with empty words such as be “fearless.” It’s not about being fearless. It’s about having courage to stare your fears in the face and moving forward anyway.

A life without pain sounds like utopia. It’s not. If we don’t feel the pain, then nothing happens. We are numb. Fear can provide a sense of urgency, too… we fear the negative consequences of not doing something. Goodbye procrastination. Learn more about how to overcome procrastination.

The key is to stay calm in moments of fear. Keep your wits about you. Maintain clarity of mind. Your blood pressure will increase, potentially speeding up your thoughts. A panicked mind may run or freeze, so… slow down your breathing temporarily. A calm and clear mind will evaluate and understand a situation and asses which plan of action is best suited… options… best case scenario. Now that you’ve got clarity, inhale courage, exhale fear. Increase the intensity of your breathing, filling your lungs and blood with extra oxygen and your system with endorphins. Get psyched about the thrill of you overcoming and reaching higher. Want it! Long for it. Crave it. Obsess about it… then let the dream go cause it’s already yours.

George Addair says,

“Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear.”

Fear fuels desire.

If you like Napoleon Hill, he talks about the power of desire in his book, Think and Grow Rich. In fact, he dedicates chapter 2 to the topic. He calls desire, the starting point of all achievements.

Next time you feel fear, know that it is a tool for promote growth. It is an opportunity. Run with it. You’ve got this!

Don’t forget the “courage” part. There’s always the Wizard of Oz if you lack in that department. Oh wait…. the Wizard of Oz lives inside you. The magic is in your hands. Inhale the courage. Exhale the fear. And now reach higher.

Vital Germaine

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Becoming a High-Value Person

Once upon a time I believed that high-value people were only those with status: influence, financial clout or a broad-reaching network. I was wrong.

If we reframe the meaning of a high-value person, we elevate a lot of people who are undermined in society. That may include you.

The above mentioned people are indeed high value… however, the title of high-value person is not limited to that demographic. Some of those wealthy, influential people (influencers) may be of high value in certain areas, but not across the board. Maybe they provide very little emotional value to those they love; think of the overworked executive who has very little time and energy for the kids. That person is of very little emotional value; and money is not everything.

You can become a high-value person in any field; a stay-home-mom or -dad with a net worth of zero, or with a social network of just your dog or cat/gold fish; and of course aunt Sally.

It’s about how you are helping, supporting and understanding people. It’s about emotional intelligence.

The last words of Steve Jobs, billionaire, dead at 56:

"I have reached the summit of success in the world of business." In the eyes of others, my life is a success.

However, aside from work, I had little joy. In the end, wealth is just a fact I am used to.

At this moment, laying on my hospital bed, remembering my whole life, I realize that all the gratitude and wealth in which I took so much pride, has vanished and became meaningless in the face of imminent death.

You can hire someone to drive your car or make money for you but it's impossible to hire someone to deal with sickness and die for you.

Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost - "Life".

Whatever stage of life we are currently in, with time, we will face it the day the curtain closes.

Love your family, spouse and friends... Treat them right . Cherish them.

As we get older, and wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30 watch - both give the same hour...

Whether we have a $300 or $30 wallet or purse - the amount inside is the same;

Whether we drive a $150,000 car or $30,000 car, the road and distance are the same, and we arrive at the same destination.

That we drink a bottle of wine at 1000. $ or $10 hangover is the same;

That the house we live in is 300 or 3000 square feet - the loneliness is the same.

You will realize that your true inner happiness does not come from material things of this world.

Whether you travel first class or economic class, if the plane crashes, you crash with it...

Therefore .. I hope you realize, when you have friends, boyfriends and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom you argue, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east or heaven and earth,.... This is the real happiness!!

An indisputable fact of life:

Don't educate your kids to be rich. Educate them to be happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things and not the price.

Here are 9 ways to gauge your social worth.

1. The way you show up (be authentic, respectful and kind)

2. The way you communicate (sincere)

3. Your character (core values)

4. Be impeccable with your word

5. Your intentions (purpose)

6. Have more empathy with healthy boundaries

7. Show them you care

8. Giving back or paying it forward

9. Be a safe person (trustworthy / non-judgmental)

Society is emotionally struggling, in particular, the younger generations who need more emotional support than actual financial resources or celebrity.

As a parent, as a friend, lover, partner; be the best version of you for that person and you instantly become a high-value person. The best example I can think of, is a teacher. They rarely become financially wealthy… they are underpaid heroes! Yet, a good teacher brings infinite value to the next generation. I can think of one or two of my teachers who heavily influenced the course of my life, if not saved my life growing up as a kid lost in the British Child Care System. Their value was and is priceless.

Take a moment to self evaluate.

As a person, are you doing that little extra and being the best version of yourself with the wellbeing of others at heart? If yes, you are a high-value person. Congrats.

As a leader, are you inspiring and empowering your team? If you are, then you instantly become a high value leader. If you work at the register at Walmart, are your committed to providing great customer service to each and every person you ring up? If you do, then you are a high value person.

Have the mindset to want to reach higher each and every day, the mindset to do more for your village or community, the mindset to be more empathetic, to be more giving and caring etc. That is wealth right there.

If you are an influencer to the masses but provide little value to those who really need you: your kids, your significant other etc, then consider shifting the focus to those who really love you, not only those who admire you without knowing you. Ultimately, do that little extra and optimize who you are and become not only a high value person, but an extraordinary person. How to become your best self? Discover your IKIGAI

Former Miami Dolphins head coach, Jimmy Johnson, once said, “The difference between ordinary and extraordinary, is that little extra.”

The choice is yours.

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

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The new book!

EMPATHY; how well do we really understand its concept and execution?

For the most part, people have a general understanding of empathy. Some confuse it with sympathy. There is somewhat of an overlap between the two, though the difference in meaning is beyond a nuance or a synonym. The difference is in fact substantial.

Too often, we think we are being empathetic or that we have empathy… but we don’t. We are simply comparing our perspective and understanding to theirs with a sympathetic heart; not empathy. It’s not as simple as putting yourself in another persons shoes. Why?

There are numerous factors to consider.

1. It depends how you wear that other person’s shoe… not all shoes are the same and can therefore not always be compared. Often times comparison is what we do. The downside to that is if we compare, and that same or similar incident left us feeling indifferent, then it’s very hard to feel the other’s pain. So, we really must step into their shoes and not only understand what they are experiencing, but leave our own emotions out of the equation.

   If they are feeling pain or grief for something that we find trivial, then we can’t offer empathy. However, we probably know what pain grief feels like. So it’s a question of focusing on the emotion rather than the incident and what THEY are feeling.

   It takes a great ability to focus on only THEM to grasp what they have experienced compared to what you are experiencing. You may think that you could easily walk a mile in their shoes with no issues, and you might be right, but you are not them. It’s not about what you experience, your opinion or perspective. True empathy makes it ALL about THEM. And that’s the hard part why most of us fail when it comes to true empathy. And therein lies one of the main reasons for human disconnect; the inability to practice or execute true empathy because we lack the ability to completely eliminate our personal opinions, our perspectives, and personal experiences from the equation. Now begs the question, is empathy then possible? I believe so, with lots of work on the emotional intelligence front.

2. Who merits your empathy

   Giving empathy or being empathetic can be emotionally draining. You may have heard about the social struggles of empaths who easily get depleted in social settings because they feel too much and absorb external energy.

   When extending empathy, protect your energy and emotional wellness by setting boundaries with the person in search of understanding. Set boundaries for yourself, too… how much can you give, how long can you listen before it becomes detrimental to you.

   Prolonged empathy can become toxic; you become a potential enabler, or you inspire trauma bonding which isn’t really a win-win scenario. Know your limits. Everything in moderation.

3. Who is the giver and receiver of empathy

   I don’t know if there is a scientific equation to determine who is the giver and receiver. My recommendation is to offer empathy to anybody you feel needs it, or anybody who is asking for it, provided you are in a strong enough emotional state to give a part of your heart and mind to that person. Empathy is giving which can drain. It’s usually the person in a position of confidence, emotional and mental fortitude who cares, who can, should and will extend empathy. In healthy relationships the role will often change; give and take as needed.

GOING DEEPER

We must be more aware and analytical of our behaviors, and levels of listening and understanding to pains and burdens which are not ours. Because once it becomes about us in the slightest, it is no longer empathy, but rather a comparison disguised with the mask of sympathy. That is not empathy.

As a society, we must dig much deeper into the meaning and objective of true empathy. There are in fact 3 types of empathy:

1. Cognitive empathy: the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking. Cognitive empathy improves our communication skills, because we become sensitive and aware of how we can best reach and connect to another person.

2. Emotional empathy (affective empathy) is the ability to share the feelings of another person. Think of it as "your pain in my heart." If their pain is in your heart, you have probably built a very strong, secure and deep connection with that person. Well played.

3. Compassionate empathy (empathic concern) this is more about taking action than just feeling.

Ultimately, empathy is always all about them.

Get your EMPATHY apparel now!

We can do this.

Sincerely

Vital Germaine