Are you really being empathetic?

We may think we are being empathetic, but most times we are not, regardless of our pure intentions. A common empathy faux pas is sharing a related incident we experienced. This may well communicate relatability, but unless we quickly shift the focus back to them and their story, we are not being empathetic.

The odds are that when somebody is sharing something painful, they first and foremost want you to simply be there with them! This means we must fully commit to making it entirely about that other person’s experience, perspective and any additional circumstances they have endured for it to be true empathy. The trap is we are influenced by our own personal agenda, needs and expectations, so we listen with every intent to understand, but we still view if from our personal perspective and may offer advice (coaching), a pep talk, or even become their motivational cheerleader. All of which bring little value to the person in need of empathy. If you are coaching or chearleading, you are not listening for their benefit. You are also not understanding their heart-ache or discomfort, but rather expressing how your current mood is optimistic. So think twice when being positive as a response to a pain-point somebody has shared. Be there for them simply by being present.

Empathy is not necessarily about resolving. It’s about feeling and being there in the way that that person needs you. A good suggestion to truly to help is to ask the person one of the following questions:

1. How can I be of value?

2. Would you like me to just listen and hold space for you?

3. Would you like to me to share some advice or perspective?

Ask these types of questions in YOUR way so that it comes across as authentic rather than scripted from a blog.

Vital Germaine

Beyond Traditional Empathy

Common consensus and understanding of empathy suggests it’s between two sentient beings or humans. However, it can, should, and does go much further than that. It is a universal love language that transcends a heart beat. The collective that is nature, does not have a heartbeat perse, but it does have a consciousness. Did you know that trees, have a sense of community, sharing information amongst themselves. Such information as weather conditions like droughts are sent to each other as distress signals. Scientists refer to this as mycorrhizal networks.

Nature is a living, breathing organism that connects to all forms of consciousness and life. Our human experience would be much richer if we embraced, let alone understood and honored this phenomenon.

Understanding the relationship between humans and nature (the universe, god, allah…) means sharing an emotional experience with the natural world and everything that it encompasses… and not limited to this conceivable dimension. Modern research and scientists are exploring this concept. It’s called, Dispositional Empathy with Nature (DEN).

The thing is, this concept is not new but rather ancient. What we call “primitive” peoples or “ancient tribal wisdom” have been aware to his for millennia. Nature is honored like a god. It’s about understanding the full circle of life in which everything is intertwined and connected. We hunt a living animal for food, not for pleasure but for necessacity/survival. That animal is honored in its sacred sacrifice, meaning we understand and respect what it has contributed to the circle of life and the suffering it experienced as a result.

BENEFITS:

Understanding and implementing empathy for nature will help us resolve many of the worlds current problems. It would minimize deforestation, abuse of animals in the meat industry, pollution of our seas and waterways, extinction of animal species, lower greenhouse gasses… basically all human-made corrosive behaviors based on greed. The negative side of capitalism is that it opens the door to greed and exploitation of resources based on short-term-thinking and immediate financial gains.

It is time for humans to embrace and implement empathy towards nature? Absolutely, yes! We may not survive without it. If we love our planet and our children’s future, we must substantially shift our thinking, behaviors and our conceptualization of the vast expanse that lives beyond a heartbeat and a traditional mind. Furthermore, empathy is not a disposition, it is a quality that can and should be trained and developed. It begins with awareness. You’re welcome.

I am optimistic we can do better, we will REACH HIGHER.

Learn more about empathy in my book, PINK Is the Color of Empathy.

Vital Germaine

What does empathy look, sound, feel and taste like?

Empathy consists of multiple key ingredients that unto themselves are not empathy. The following behaviors are not necessarily synonyms of empathy, but rather traits that we will highly likely demonstrate or experience due to the sharing of empathy. 

If you can communicate the following 7 traits, it will feel like your are sharing empathy. You will begin changing lives for the better and become a high-value person at home and at work.

1. Respect

2. Compassion

3. Caring

4. Relatability

5. Sympathy 

6. Understanding

7. Listening

Read the top 20 list of phrases that communicate empathy in the book PINK IS THE COLOR OF EMPATHY, chapter 26. Here are the first 5:

The below list will help you understand what empathy sounds like. By using the structure and intention of the sentences whenever somebody you care about is going through a hard time, you will develop deeper bonds--deeper intimacy.

1. That makes total sense.

2. That would have hurt my feelings too.

3. I can see that.

4. You’re in a tough spot.

5. What I admire most about what you’re doing is…

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

Help spread the love, because it changes lives… empathy saves lives.

Becoming a High-Value Person

Once upon a time I believed that high-value people were only those with status: influence, financial clout or a broad-reaching network. I was wrong.

If we reframe the meaning of a high-value person, we elevate a lot of people who are undermined in society. That may include you.

The above mentioned people are indeed high value… however, the title of high-value person is not limited to that demographic. Some of those wealthy, influential people (influencers) may be of high value in certain areas, but not across the board. Maybe they provide very little emotional value to those they love; think of the overworked executive who has very little time and energy for the kids. That person is of very little emotional value; and money is not everything.

You can become a high-value person in any field; a stay-home-mom or -dad with a net worth of zero, or with a social network of just your dog or cat/gold fish; and of course aunt Sally.

It’s about how you are helping, supporting and understanding people. It’s about emotional intelligence.

The last words of Steve Jobs, billionaire, dead at 56:

"I have reached the summit of success in the world of business." In the eyes of others, my life is a success.

However, aside from work, I had little joy. In the end, wealth is just a fact I am used to.

At this moment, laying on my hospital bed, remembering my whole life, I realize that all the gratitude and wealth in which I took so much pride, has vanished and became meaningless in the face of imminent death.

You can hire someone to drive your car or make money for you but it's impossible to hire someone to deal with sickness and die for you.

Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost - "Life".

Whatever stage of life we are currently in, with time, we will face it the day the curtain closes.

Love your family, spouse and friends... Treat them right . Cherish them.

As we get older, and wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30 watch - both give the same hour...

Whether we have a $300 or $30 wallet or purse - the amount inside is the same;

Whether we drive a $150,000 car or $30,000 car, the road and distance are the same, and we arrive at the same destination.

That we drink a bottle of wine at 1000. $ or $10 hangover is the same;

That the house we live in is 300 or 3000 square feet - the loneliness is the same.

You will realize that your true inner happiness does not come from material things of this world.

Whether you travel first class or economic class, if the plane crashes, you crash with it...

Therefore .. I hope you realize, when you have friends, boyfriends and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom you argue, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east or heaven and earth,.... This is the real happiness!!

An indisputable fact of life:

Don't educate your kids to be rich. Educate them to be happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things and not the price.

Here are 9 ways to gauge your social worth.

1. The way you show up (be authentic, respectful and kind)

2. The way you communicate (sincere)

3. Your character (core values)

4. Be impeccable with your word

5. Your intentions (purpose)

6. Have more empathy with healthy boundaries

7. Show them you care

8. Giving back or paying it forward

9. Be a safe person (trustworthy / non-judgmental)

Society is emotionally struggling, in particular, the younger generations who need more emotional support than actual financial resources or celebrity.

As a parent, as a friend, lover, partner; be the best version of you for that person and you instantly become a high-value person. The best example I can think of, is a teacher. They rarely become financially wealthy… they are underpaid heroes! Yet, a good teacher brings infinite value to the next generation. I can think of one or two of my teachers who heavily influenced the course of my life, if not saved my life growing up as a kid lost in the British Child Care System. Their value was and is priceless.

Take a moment to self evaluate.

As a person, are you doing that little extra and being the best version of yourself with the wellbeing of others at heart? If yes, you are a high-value person. Congrats.

As a leader, are you inspiring and empowering your team? If you are, then you instantly become a high value leader. If you work at the register at Walmart, are your committed to providing great customer service to each and every person you ring up? If you do, then you are a high value person.

Have the mindset to want to reach higher each and every day, the mindset to do more for your village or community, the mindset to be more empathetic, to be more giving and caring etc. That is wealth right there.

If you are an influencer to the masses but provide little value to those who really need you: your kids, your significant other etc, then consider shifting the focus to those who really love you, not only those who admire you without knowing you. Ultimately, do that little extra and optimize who you are and become not only a high value person, but an extraordinary person. How to become your best self? Discover your IKIGAI

Former Miami Dolphins head coach, Jimmy Johnson, once said, “The difference between ordinary and extraordinary, is that little extra.”

The choice is yours.

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

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