What not to do when a relationship ends

Relationships are complicated and complex, whether intimate, or professional. There are endless moving parts that determine the quality, success, or failure of said relationship. Inevitably, the endings are always connected to the quality of communication.

Either the wrong thing was said at the wrong time in the wrong way, Either the right thing was said at the wrong time in the wrong way (and variations there of). Sometimes it’s not necessarily what was said, but rather a question of how it was interpreted. The final and often overlooked element of communication is the something that wasn’t said. It may have been intentionally left out. It may have been accidentally omitted as it appeared to be irrelevant or because it may have cause friction. Ironically, not saying it will inevitable end up causing friction. Better to say. Just figure out the right time and the right way.

Most relationships will face conflict and end as a result of values being violated, stubbornness, avoidance of accountability or willingness to change behavior, or simple yet meaningful disagreement on perception and responsibility that becomes a deal breaker. Sometimes nobody is wrong. It’s just time to part ways.

When relationships do end, here's what I've learned about what shouldn’t be done (includes my past indiscretions).

1. Good people say bad things (yep, I've said some mean #$%&). It doesn't make them bad people. Vice versa, bad people do good stuff... they are still bad people.

2. Whatever secrets they entrusted with you... honor that trust despite the relationship ending.

3. What ever gifts you gave them, don't take them back (oops! - i've learned).

4. Celebrate the beauty of the relationship despite the current disappointments/deceit etc. It will hurt at first and seem impossible to celebrate an end. In due time, I hope you will reflect and see some value in that relationship.

5. Whatever went wrong, you played a part in it, making you accountable too. (ouch!!!)

6. "Sometimes you win. Sometimes you learn." - John Maxwell

7. Add your own advice here

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Is Vulnerability a Strength or Weakness?

The quick answer to this question is that it is both a strength and a weakness. It all depends on how it’s communicated or shared. When shared properly it is extremely powerful. It becomes an agent for deep and meaningful connection. A quality all human beings crave. However, vulnerability can be extremely toxic and manipulative.

Here’s how and why?

Vital Germaine

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What does empathy look, sound, feel and taste like?

Empathy consists of multiple key ingredients that unto themselves are not empathy. The following behaviors are not necessarily synonyms of empathy, but rather traits that we will highly likely demonstrate or experience due to the sharing of empathy. 

If you can communicate the following 7 traits, it will feel like your are sharing empathy. You will begin changing lives for the better and become a high-value person at home and at work.

1. Respect

2. Compassion

3. Caring

4. Relatability

5. Sympathy 

6. Understanding

7. Listening

Read the top 20 list of phrases that communicate empathy in the book PINK IS THE COLOR OF EMPATHY, chapter 26. Here are the first 5:

The below list will help you understand what empathy sounds like. By using the structure and intention of the sentences whenever somebody you care about is going through a hard time, you will develop deeper bonds--deeper intimacy.

1. That makes total sense.

2. That would have hurt my feelings too.

3. I can see that.

4. You’re in a tough spot.

5. What I admire most about what you’re doing is…

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

Help spread the love, because it changes lives… empathy saves lives.

How to Easily Resolve and Minimize Conflicts... at home and at work

Conflicts are inevitable and in many ways a healthy part of human interaction. Other times, they suck!

They allow us to see and understand what is important to us and to others… the metaphoric line in the sand. However, left unresolved, conflicts fracture strong, meaningful relationships and weaken the works in progress. Resentment builds, slowly turning to anger, disdain, insult and injury.

At the heart of most conflicts is miscommunication and most importantly, lack of understanding or empathy (emotional intelligence). The key is to resolve them quickly and effectively. How do you achieve that?

Here's how.

1.  MAINTAIN an optimistic outlook… by staying optimistic and hopeful, you will experience less frustration and therefore, more calm. A calm mind doesn’t get lost in the negative ego that fuels conflict.

2.  PRACTICE Empathetic listening… it’s not always about your perspective and opinion. Taking their angle into consideration could diffuse the issue.

3.  ASK the other person to suggest a solution. This one works wonders because it empowers the other person. Often times, anger is a result of having no power or voice.

4.  SEEK to understand… most conflicts are based on misunderstanding. If you focus on understanding, you may still disagree, but it’s hard to become negative or defensive. Did I mention empathy?

5.  CONSIDER your role in the conflict and adapt accordingly. Ultimately, we are responsible for our choices and behavior and can change them at any time. We can’t change the behavior of others. Conflicts are rarely based on one person or one side. This realization is the game-changer. Unfortunately, accountability is in big part the deal breaker. Carry this responsibility well and enjoy the rewards.

6.  ACKNOWLEDGE the opinions and perspective of others. Sometimes the simple act of acknowledging somebody else’s opinion is a massive first step to resolution. Let them clearly know you see and respect their point or perspective.

7.  STATE your case tactfully. Diplomacy goes a long way. Humans are emotional beings, with some being more sensitive than others. Tact doesn’t mean being soft or compromising your stance. Tact is about optimizing your emotional intelligence to secure a positive outcome.

8.  “ATTACK" the problem, not the person. This is the one that we too easily get caught up in. The problem becomes personal and we focus on accusing the person of wrong-doing. Though wrong-doing may be the issue, the root cause lies deeper. Take time to explore the real problem.

9.  AVOID the blame game. This is something we’ve probably all done at some point; blame. It may not be your fault, but you are always responsible for how you react or respond. Not everybody is capable of personal accountability. Make sure you are capable, less run down a cul-de-sac of zero growth.

10.                ORGANIZE a necessary and concise meeting to openly discuss. Focus on the resolve. The key it to use the time effectively and strategically. If you can’t meet in person (preferably), a video conference call (zoom, Skype or…). Make sure it’s done in a relaxed environment and opportune time. Address the issue openly and using the previous 9 steps… share this list with them too and both agree and commit to following this playbook.

BRING IT ALL TOGETHER: Tap into your Emotional Intelligence and become more aware of your personal behavior, needs and emotional triggers. Become even more aware of the triggers in others. It’s a two-way street. Breathe, relax, step outside of yourself for a moment and respond from a healthy place void of stress, anger or unconscious bias. If you’ve executed all ten options and zero resolve has been established, you may be dealing with an ass%&*#. Walk away and cut your losses. It’s a long-term win win.

LEARN MORE: My online communication course has a whole session dedicated to this topic. While you’re there, you’ll obtain endless tools to improve your communication and relationships.

Sincerely,

Vital Germaine

6-time author

Inspirationalist: keynote speaker / coach / trainer